SPAM & GYPSY'S GUITAR QUIZ MARK II PREFACE: The original version of this test was conceived and written by spam@vitriol.com. The current version was fleshed out and completed by mlt@merde.org, with the assistance of Spam and others. Do not attempt to duplicate every action contained herein; while most of these have been, if not successfully performed, at least attempted by the authors or their acquaintances, we feel it safe to say that most people really ought not try it themselves. The dedication and intestinal fortitude required to survive certain of these feats is inherent only in those who have already achieved the truest, purest essence of Steveness*. Good luck, and don't spit out your liver. SCORING: Give yourself a point for every question that you can reasonably answer yes to. Technicalities count. For already confirmed rabid guitarists who are no longer able to count higher than 20, tally your "no" votes. WHERE AND WHEN 1. Have you played a guitar? 2. Well? 3. Every day? 4. For more than an hour at a time? 5. For more than two hours? 6. For more than six hours? 7. From sunset to sunrise? 8. Outside? 9. In a tree? 10. In bed? 11. At meals? 12. While reading? (two points if you were reading netnews and hitting the space bar with your toes) 13. In the bathroom? 14. In the bathtub? 15. On the toilet? 16. In a stairwell? 17. In an elevator? 18. In a swimming pool? 19. In a moving car? 20. While driving? 21. In a truck? (passenger compartment OR back) 22. On a train? 23. In a boat? 24. In an aircraft? (plane, dirigible, blimp, hot air balloon, hang glider) 25. Had an accident as a result of playing guitar in a moving vehicle? 26. Was it fatal? 27. In jail? 28. With other musicians? 29. Upside-down? 30. Lying down? 31. While under the influence of alcohol? 32. While under the influence of drugs? 33. Well? 34. While NOT under the influence of alcohol or drugs? 35. While you were asleep? 36. During a natural disaster? 37. While watching television? 38. While talking on the phone? 39. In a public place? 40. Until your fingers bled? 41. After your fingers had started bleeding? 42. Until they scabbed over? 43. Until they fell off? 44. Until you wished they would? 45. Have you ever played a song to someone over the phone? 46. Into an answering machine? 47. Have you ever played a 12-string guitar? 48. Have you ever spent more than two hours in a guitar shop? 49. More than four? 50. From opening to closing? 51. Without actually playing a guitar? 52. Have you ever played all the guitars in a shop? 53. In one day? 54. More than half of the above at once? GUITARS 55. Do you own a guitar? 56. More than one? 57. More than two? 58. More than five? 59. More than ten? 60. Have you owned a guitar? 61. More than one? 62. More than two? 63. More than five? 64. More than ten? 65. Have you ever owned a guitar that was more than ten years old? 66. More than twenty years old? 67. Older than you were? 68. Have you ever broken a guitar? 69. More than one? 70. On purpose? 71. Have you ever fixed a guitar? 72. Did it still work? 73. Have you ever built a guitar? 74. Did it work? 75. Have you ever modified a guitar? 76. Did it work? 77. Did it work the way you expected it to? 78. Have you ever taken a guitar apart? 79. Not because you had to? 80. Did you put it back together? 81. Did it work? 82. Better? 83. Have you ever named a guitar? 84. All your guitars? 85. Have you ever risked your life to rescue a guitar? 86. Someone else's life? 87. Have you ever assaulted anyone with a guitar? 88. Have you paid more than $100 for a guitar? 89. More than $200? 90. More than $500? 91. More than $1000? 92. More than half the money you had? 93. All the money you had? 94. Have you ever paid less than $50 for a guitar? 95. Less than $25? 96. Have you ever been given a guitar? 97. Have you ever bought a guitar on impulse? 98. Have you ever borrowed money to buy a guitar? 99. Have you ever sold any of your possessions to get money to buy a guitar? 100. Have you ever sold yourself to get money to buy a guitar? (this includes getting a job just so that you could buy a guitar) 101. Have you ever sold a guitar to get money to buy a guitar? 102. Have you ever stolen money to buy a guitar? 103. Have you ever stolen a guitar? 104. Have you ever sold a guitar? 105. More than one? 106. Have you ever given a guitar away? 107. Have you ever traded guitars with someone? 108. Have you ever bought a part/accessory for your guitar that cost more than the guitar? 109. Do you keep spare picks? 110. More than 50? 111. While cleaning house, have you ever found more than 20 picks? 112. Are you too busy playing guitar to have ever cleaned house? 113. Have you ever used a pick for other than its intended purpose? 114. Have you ever used something not intended to be used as a pick as a pick? (fingernails don't count; credit cards, watch faces, playing cards, folded paper, coins, rocks, broken glass, etc. do count) 115. If you drop your pick while playing, can you find your spare without missing more than two beats? 116. Do you keep spare strings? 117. Have you ever repaired a string? (before you ask: never trim your strings; save the ball and use pliers to loop the string around the ball and twist it on.) 118. Have you ever made an improvised string out of something else? (catgut, high-tension cable, bell wire, fishing line, braided human hair, etc.) 119. Do you keep spare parts? 120. Spare guitars? 121. Do you have more guitars than cases? 122. Are you unsure of how many guitars you have? 123. Have you ever kept a guitar for parts? 124. Have you ever broken a guitar while playing? 125. Have you ever broken a string while playing? 126. More than one? (at a time) 127. All of them? (at once) 128. More than once in a session? 129. Have you ever played with a broken string? 130. Have you ever replaced a string in less than one minute? 131. Less than 40 seconds? 132. Less than 20 seconds? 133. Do you know the names of the strings? 134. Do you know the gauges of the strings you use? 135. Do you ever have to ask for strings by gauge because you don't know which string it is? 136. Have you ever used a guitar string for other than its intended purpose? 137. Have you ever pierced any part of your body with a guitar string? 138. On purpose? 139. Have you ever tuned a guitar by ear? 140. Did you get it right? 141. Have you ever used a guitar for other than its intended purpose? 142. Have you ever heard of an E-Bow? 143. Have you ever seen an E-Bow? 144. Have you ever used an E-Bow? 145. Have you ever used an E-Bow for other than its intended purpose? 146. Have you ever heard of a Gizmotron? 147. Have you ever seen a Gizmotron? 148. Have you ever used a Gizmotron? 149. Have you ever used a Gizmotron for other than its intended purpose? 150. Can you play the theme to Jaws with a Gizmotron? 151. Without making a fool of yourself? 152. Do you ever use a capo? 153. For other than its intended purpose? 154. As a percussion instrument? 155. Can you play slide? 156. Do you use a REAL slide? (longneck cut from a beer bottle) 157. Have you ever improvised a slide out of materials at hand? (comb, pen, harmonica, whole beer bottle, knife, gun, bystander) 158. Do you retune to play slide? 159. Have you ever used a slide for other than its intended purpose? (weapon, whistle, straw, marital aid) 160. Do any of your guitars have a whammy bar? 161. Does it matter? 162. Do you ever bend notes by pulling back on the headstock, if you don't have a whammy bar? 163. Have you ever broken a string using either of the above techniques? 164. All of them? 165. Have you ever broken a guitar using either of the above techniques? 166. All of them? 167. Can you finger-pick on a 12-string? 168. Well? 169. Can you play guitar with your tongue? 170. Can you fret chords with your tongue? 171. Do you have an amplifier? 172. Does it go up to 11? 173. Have you ever blown an amplifier or speaker cabinet? 174. In front of an audience? 175. Do you own an effects box? 176. More than one? 177. More than six? 178. More than you can figure out a way to use? 179. Have you ever built an effects box? 180. Did it work? 181. The way you expected it to? 182. Did it explode? 183. Did you expect it to explode? MUSIC: 184. Can you play music on a guitar? 185. Can you play music that anyone else can stand to listen to on a guitar? 186. Can you read guitar music? 187. Can you read guitar tabulature? 188. Can you read at all? 189. Have you ever written music for a guitar? 190. Have you ever written music anyone else could stand to listen to? 191. Have you ever written guitar music that you couldn't play? 192. Have you ever written guitar music that Steve Vai couldn't play? 193. Have you ever written guitar music that was recorded professionally by someone else? 194. Have you ever listened to music that didn't have guitars in it? 195. Was it unfulfilling? 196. Have you ever listened to music you didn't like because it had guitars in it? 197. Have you ever listened to an LP at 16 2/3 RPM in an attempt to learn a riff? 198. Have you heard of all of the following? Steve Vai Steve Morse Steve Jones Steve Stevens Steve Clark Steve Lukather Steve Howe Steven Stills Steven Banks Stevie Ray Vaughn 199. Is your name Steve? 200. Was your name always Steve? 201. Have you always felt that you were really a Steve trapped in the wrong body? 202. Do you have a favorite guitarist? 203. Can you recognise a guitarist's work just by his playing style? 204. Can you recognise a guitarist's playing style in less than one bar? 205. Can you play guitar like Jimi "Steve" Hendrix? 206. Would you sell your soul to be able to play guitar like Jimi "Steve" Hendrix? 207. Someone else's soul? 208. Have you sold your soul to be able to play guitar like Jimi "Steve" Hendrix? 209. Can you play harmonics? 210. Can you find a harmonic at every fret? 211. Do you play nothing but harmonics? 212. Have you ever played louder than 90 dB? 213. More than 100 dB? 214. Are you going deaf yet? 215. Can you tell? PERFORMING 216. Have you ever played guitar in front of an audience? 217. Have you ever made a recording of yourself playing guitar? 218. Have you ever played guitar with a recording of yourself playing guitar? 219. Have you ever played guitar with a recording of someone else playing guitar? 220. Have you ever had your guitar playing recorded professionally? 221. Have you ever sold recordings of your guitar playing? 222. Have you ever improvised on guitar in front of an audience? 223. Have you ever broken a string in front of an audience? 224. Have you ever broken a guitar in front of an audience? 225. On purpose? 226. Have you ever sold recordings of yourself breaking a guitar? 227. Have you ever had yourself filmed breaking a guitar to music? 228. Have you ever been paid for playing guitar? 229. Have you ever played for beer? 230. Have you ever played for free? 231. Have you ever made a living playing guitar? 232. Have you ever been hassled by authorities for playing guitar? 233. Have you ever been arrested for playing guitar? 234. Were you convicted? GUITARS AND SEX 235. Have you ever been sexually aroused by a guitar? 236. By guitar music? 237. By someone playing a guitar? 238. While playing? 239. Have you ever used guitar music as an aphrodisiac? 240. For yourself? 241. Have you ever had an orgasm while listening to guitars? 242. While playing a guitar? 243. Have you ever had a guitargasm? (Orgasm brought on solely by listening to or playing a guitar.) 244. Have you ever given someone else an orgasm by playing guitar? 245. Have you ever kissed while playing guitar? 246. Have you ever kissed someone who was playing guitar? 247. Have you ever kissed someone when both of you were playing guitar? 248. Was it the same guitar? 249. Have you ever kissed a guitar? 250. Have you ever had sex while playing guitar? 251. Have you ever had sex with someone who was playing guitar? 252. Have you ever had sex with someone when both of you were playing guitar? 253. The same guitar? 254. Have you ever had group sex with guitars? 255. Have you ever attempted sex with a guitar? 256. Did you succeed? 257. Did you come? 258. Did the guitar? 259. Was it good for you, too? 260. Did you conceive? 261. Did the guitar? 262. Did you give birth? 263. To a guitar? 264. Did you name it Steve? 265. Would you, if you could? 266. Do you prefer guitars to sex? 267. Guitars AND sex? 268. Have you ever been a part of a relationship that failed because of a guitar? 269. Have you ever left someone for a guitar? 270. Have you ever been left for a guitar? 271. Did you miss the guitar? 272. Have you ever begun a relationship because of a guitar? OTHER: 273. Are you a guitar? 274. Do you wish you were? 275. Do you wish you were someone's guitar in particular? 276. If you were a guitar, would you want to be a particular kind of guitar? 277. Have you ever tried to become a guitar? 278. Did it work? (if the answer to this question is yes, please contact the authors immediately.) 279. Are you not a guitar, but you do play one on T.V.? 280. Do you believe you were a guitar in a past life? 281. Does anyone else? 282. Do you hope to be reincarnated as a guitar? 283. Guitar? 284. Have you ever talked to your guitar? 285. Has it ever answered? 286. Did you know that Charo is considered one of the best classical guitarists in the world? 287. Man cannot live by guitar alone. True or false? 288. If you were lost in a blizzard in the Arctic Circle with nothing but your clothes, a box of Froot Loops, a pack of matches, and your guitar, would you: Eat the Froot Loops and burn the guitar for warmth (0 pts.) Eat the guitar and burn the Froot Loops for warmth (1 pt.) Wear the guitar, eat the Froot Loops, and burn your clothes (1 pt.) Burn your clothes and the Froot Loops, eat the rest of the matches, and play the guitar for warmth (2 pts.) Use the Froot Loops to lure a polar bear, unravel your socks and use them to harness it to the guitar, and use the matches to goad it into a trot, pulling you safely back to civilisation (3 pts.) Because you had no clean socks and weren't wearing any, build a rocket engine out of the matches, the Froot Loops, and the soles of your shoes, install it on the guitar, and sled to safety, using the whammy bar as a steering device? (3 pts.) Not notice? (4 pts.) 289. Have you lost your watch? 290. Have you never had a watch? 291. Has it been more than a week since you washed your jeans? 292. More than a month? 293. More than a year? 294. If you did wash them, would there be nothing left but a handful of rivets? 295. Are you growing your hair? 296. For more than a year? 297. Are you unemployed? 298. Are you usually unemployed? 299. Have you always been unemployed? 300. Not sure? 301. Can you recognise another guitarist on sight? 302. From behind? 303. By feel? 304. Do you ever stick a cigarette in between two of your strings? 305. Even though you don't smoke? 306. Has it ever burned down far enough to pop the strings? 307. Have you ever received an electric shock from a guitar? 308. Did it kill you? 309. Did you notice? 310. Did anyone else? If you counted "yes" votes, divide your total by three (3) find your quotient of Steveness. Yes, it is possible to score higher than 100%. This is because true Steveness transcends the pathetic sphere of human reality. If you don't like it, you're probably a Dave, anyway. Yes votes: 0 = Utterly useless. 1-30 = Not Steve. Most probably a normal human. (ugh) 31-60 = Steve wanna-be. 61-85 = Almost, but not quite, entirely Steve. 86-100 = Steve! 101+ = Steve, BABY! Take me NOW! If you counted your "no" votes, you are probably unable to count anyway, much less subtract or divide, so we'll try to make this as painless as possible. No votes: 0-40 = Yo! Steve! Fuckin' A! 41-80 = Bitchin', dude! Let's jam! 81-100 = Dude! 101+ = Go back and count your yes votes, you aspirant geek! Anyone who is more than 90% pure Steve(tm) should send a photo (with guitar) and demo tape to mlt@merde.org immediately. Questions, comments, suggestions, death threats, and interesting stories will also be accepted by the authors. mlt@merde.org (Steve) spam@vitriol.com (Actually Not Steve) circa 1988 * If you STILL don't understand the concept of Steveness, go out and buy a copy of Steve Vai's Flex-Able and leave it in your CD player on repeat play Real Loud until you either achieve enlightenment or have a debilitating aneurysm, whichever comes first.