quotes


I know a lot of very interesting (and often peculiar) individuals. For 30 years now, I've been compiling quotes, mostly from the aforementioned people, occasionally from books, movies, or random things I run across. Some of these quotes make no sense out of context, which is often why I like them so much. Over the years I've pruned, rearranged, and added things in at the beginning, end, and middle, so they're in no particular order. (These days, I add at the end.)

Perhaps one day I'll be motivated enough to add links to the people who have web presence. Or perhaps not. It took me 20 years to get round to converting this from the plain text document as which it began, so don't hold your breath.


"My camel is dogeared, but mostly due to other people using it." -- jsam

"As far as I know, Barbie does not endure the lunar tempest." -- Ewan Kirk

"They were a sick bunch, but they tended to go in for fairly direct and obvious means of torture; playing Mendelssohn hardly qualifies as the sort of thing that earned you your stripes in the Waffen SS." -- Kevin Keith

"Romantic love and stalking are two different things. I think. Though perhaps the difference is not obvious to the casual observer." -- Zvi Gilbert

"If all women were like Meredith Tanner, the negative connotations of the word feminism would never have developed." -- Nic Landmark

"The press, however, [...] first reported the incident as a feline contest of micturation and expectoration." -- Freddy Letrange

"God can go down into Egypt land, and he can marshal the LICE! He can make them into an ARMY of FIGHTING LICE!" -- TV preacher

"If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd have already written a play about Richard Nixon." -- Curtis Yarvin

"We'll get ice cream just as soon as I grease up the cat internally." -- hallie

"But that's just the tip of the extraterrestrial iceberg." -- UFO Documentary

"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral- genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." --J. Edgar Hoover

"This is not the first time I have been betrayed by something from my own pocket." -- Mike DeLong

"Well, this has nothing to do with San Francisco or pus, but..." -- S. Mudgett

"If French is the language of love, then German must be the language of oppression." -- NPR

"If you have nothing nice to say, email me a copy so I don't miss it." -- Andy Pforzheimer

"Anyplace you get beer, rednecks, and high pressure air in one place you have a disaster waiting to happen." -- Bob Norton

"Your life is a Fellini film, lacking only Anita Ekberg with a cat on her head." -- Camille Paglia

"I am an American, so the running black dogs of elegance grace and anarchy will never shit on MY lawn." -- Zvi Gilbert

"As the dog returneth to his vomit, so I return to thee." -- unknown

"I think at 17 I thought I knew everything, but by the time I was 19 I was at least 30." -- Deb Rigdon

"I have touched Love, and Love is still washing." -- Jeffrey Joy

"Carpe phallum." -- The Scorpion

"No one _has_ to have a bad trip. If one shows the proper respect for the god in the drug, one never has to look at his evil twin, Skippy." -- Louise Rogow

"Why, I'm sure that you could suck the skin off a grape through a closed window, pull your pants up over your head and frighten bacon out of the pan." -- Lindsay Stewart

"At my funeral, I think it would be cool if they used me as a sled." -- Jeff Vogel

"I'm sorry. I can't make that noise with you anymore." -- Curtis Yarvin

"Besides, I'm sort of turned off by broken and mangled bodies in my bed, whether they come with a decent stiffy or not." -- Colette Marine

"Relax. It's Skylab." -- AjD

"It only *feels* like I have a trifurcated spine." -- Jade Miller

"This can't be the love scene! Where's the blood?" -- Spam

"I think I'll take vows of wealth, promiscuity, and rebelliousness." -- Markian Gooley

"People say I live in my own little fantasy world. Well, at least they know me there." -- D.L. Roth

"There is a very fine line between love and nausea." -- James Earl Jones

"Why aren't you a pizza?!?" -- Scvm

"It's like trying to explain electricity to a blind man!" -- prs

"I just wanna hear you say please go away -- now I love your door." -- hashbaby

"Fall not in love, for it will stick to your face." -- Deteriorata

"A sixpack is 42 in dog beers." -- Spam

"It was a party. It was a big dog party." -- P.D. Eastman

"No way, kid. Riding a buffalo is dangerous. Keep the change and go buy yourself a gravity knife and some fireworks." -- The Badger

"Of COURSE the grass is greener on the other side. It's growing on SHIT!" -- Spam

"Yow! A meat-filled gate to another dimension!" -- Squid

"I think I'll kill myself. It's so much easier than killing everybody." -- Spam

"INside I'm crawlin' with TENDERMINTS but OUTside all HOORAW!" -- Walt Kelly

"Babies are cranky. Old men are cranky. I'm tormented." -- unknown

"Some just sat there. Others exploded, like little bombs." -- C.S. Lewis

"You are not my mother! You are a snort!" -- P.D. Eastman

"I think I'll learn to vomit through my eyes. It'll steam up my glasses, but people will be really impressed." -- Spam

"I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, should ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am sick of love." -- Solomon's Song, 5:8

"If you choose to eschew efficacious metaphor in favor of being your verbose and disingenuous self, then that's your bag, man. But don't expect us to laud you as the Dapper Gentleman of the Net simply because you don't shit directly on your food." -- Blair Houghton

"It's probably not a good idea to sneak up on me while you have your penis in my mouth." -- Morrisa Sherman

"He was patron saint to her coffee, towering messiah to her reality!" -- curse

"There's nothing like the love of a good woman to make you face up to reality when the world is pouring mud up your nose." -- Spam

"The difference between the perfect word and the almost perfect word is like the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug." -- Mark Twain

"Go jump in a goddamn volcano, you fucking cave newt." -- Greg Nowak

"You goddamn ignorant bee-eating toad dropping." -- Greg Nowak

"I got yer Eternal Reward right here, bucko." -- Greg Nowak

"Oooh! Foaming virgins!" -- Spam

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH! She's out of gravity!" -- hashbaby

"Have you ever felt like a small hairless rodent, lost in the outback of Australia, looking for water, and suddenly noticing that your shadow is getting larger and larger, and has wings?" -- Quasi

"Turn back the sheets, boys, I'm headin' for the arms of Morpheus." -- Mae West

"What? No lampreys?" -- johny@syma

"Those Satanists sure do have some hot babes!" -- Greg Wilder

"but all the same i wish there was something i wanted as badly as he wanted to fry himself" -- archy the cockroach

"I want to take all our clothes off, throw them on the floor, and go -- AAAAAAAGH! GET THE GODDAMN CAT OFF ME!" -- prs

"Fucking?!? We're not fucking! You Americans are so CRUDE!" -- prs

"Blondes are fucking stupid. I know I am." -- prs

"You can't be famous. You have fleas." -- prs

"I wish you were standing in TWO pools of blood ... one for each foot!" -- Thorne Smith

"As soon as they repeal the euthanasia laws, you're TOAST!" -- Skip

"I've got a German stormtrooper in my pants! His name is Willie, and he's out for BLOOD!" -- prs as interpreted by Skip

"I DIDN'T trip! I was caught in a sudden gust of gravity!" -- waiter at Denny's

"Women -- core dumped." -- hashbaby

"Love is a dangerous thing." -- hashbaby

"You're fucking the dead. How depressing." -- hashbaby

"Stop! Stop, love is death!" -- hashbaby

"Others exploded like little lies." -- hashbaby

"Happiness is absolutely fatal." -- hashbaby

"To be great is to be misunderstood." -- H. D. Thoreau

"...which does NOT mean that 'to be misunderstood is to be great'." -- peter

"It's great to be misunderstood." -- Mark Pfaff

"People's minds are like porch lights -- you open them up and there are all these dead bugs inside." -- G.T. Samson

"Well, nail me up and call me Jesus!" -- Squid

"You're doomed! You're SO doomed! I wouldn't want to be you, 'cos you're SO DOOMED!" -- Gypsy

"We've got armadillos in our trousers." -- Nigel Tufnel

"I need a man who wears jeans. And has a tattoo. And is mute." -- Feds

"You're not a woman, you're an artist!" -- Face

"I'm an asshole. I can do that." -- Spam

"Oh no! I'm turning into a Ramone!" -- Tracey

"It made me grab my head like a stunned monkey." -- Unknown DC City Paper staff writer

"Art is what you can get away with. You didn't get away with it. It's not art." -- Squid

"I haven't got a problem. I have a GUN. YOU have a problem." -- Squid

"Impalement? Think of it as a wood enema." -- Squid

"The really great thing about sex is that if you sleep with someone, they'll usually kiss you." -- Spam

"I have a microwave and a giant light bulb, and most days that's enough for me." -- Spam

"They all got killed by wild dogs, except for one, which we ate." -- Shava

"I'm paying $9 for an english muffin, a slice of ham, and an egg. Which I think means we get to lick anything on the table we want." -- Louise & Lee

"The sky... the SKY was YELLOW with CHICKS!" -- Vicki Hackney

"Hey, you know the rules, baby. If you wanna PLAY funky, you gotta SMELL funky." -- Mike Troutman

"A large viper must be swallowed with extreme caution." -- TDC

"This is too perfect. It must be a moral test." -- Ken Van Way

"I could feel my tool throbbing like a weasel in a seizure." -- Adam Sah

"Gravity lacks artistry. It's too predictable." -- the Watcher

"Adroitness, concupiscence, and perspicacity are the epitome of savoir-faire." -- Spam

"Hostility is, like, a psychic boomerang!" -- Howard the Duck

"While breasts are always a soothing sight, the flaccid penis is not one of nature's most impressive shows." -- Norm Wallis

"It's not the size, and it's not what you do with them that matters -- it's *how many you have*." -- nj

"Put on your hobbit costume and go chase magyk bunnies." -- R. Sexton

"Every time I see a skinhead, I think of Chia Pets." -- Ravvas Hradek

"Angus Young's drawers come in many guises; but they are, in fact, Satan's drawers. (And dammit to hell, I won't wear them!)" -- prs

"Your friends are pigs. Pray for trouble." -- hashbaby

"It's not that he's not all there. He's just not HERE." -- Maugorn

"Don't dance with me! I'm radioactive!" -- Maugorn

"If pygmy shrews were the size of killer whales, the entire universe would be in peril." -- Mike Harrington

"It's fuckin' ugly. It must be fuckin' art." -- Spam

"I think I am as close to you as I could get without actually being a tapeworm." -- Tim Ruckle

"You wouldn't believe there was that much STUFF in a fly." -- Kevin McKenna

"Art is absolution. Violence is silent." -- hashbaby

"Man, it sure is nice to be back in the REAL world, where everything is blue and fish swim through my eyes!" -- Spam

"She can eat a live water buffalo in my bed anytime." -- Tom Willeford

"Fortunately, you don't need brains to get a hard-on." -- Jackie Sleeman

"You're just a little cheese doodle of niceness." -- Trish O Tuama

"It's not a winkie. It's a zeppelin." -- prs

"It's not an addiction. It's just something I have to do ALL THE TIME." -- David Bedno

"There's no puppy for you in the pet store, Wendy. Only death." -- Happy Days

"If I could only see you hanging like I got hung up on you." -- hashbaby

"Be quiet, you person without a form! I am going to sit on your head all night, because there is something about you that I do not understand." -- How The Leopard Got His Spots

"You know I would never say anything I mean." -- prs

"A grand piano is more useful, as it has a flat top for mixing concrete." -- Victoria Wood

"I think you need at least three of something to have a multitude." -- Tracey Summerall

"Let me get this straight -- you are Descartes, I am a pithed frog. OK, I can live with that." -- R. Pipiens

"THAT'S love? I thought it was cooties!" -- Calvin & Hobbes

"Hey Susie Derkins! Is that your face, or is there a possum stuck in your collar?" -- Calvin & Hobbes

"Bite me, you pig. I have contempt for your nosey-nose nose!" -- James Woodyatt

"We challenge with yellow chemistry, they respond with yellow creatures." -- ?

"I am a horse! I vacuum with my mouth!" -- Hallie

"I sort of go thru life pussy-first with the rest of me following in alternating delight and horror." -- cindii

"It's nuts to marry someone because you're too polite to say no." -- Julie Fishstein

"The world, then, can go fuck itself. I don't care what the world thinks of me. I am intrinsically a great man -- by my very nature -- and if I don't produce enough outward signs of that I can't expect something as stupid and ignorant as the world to take notice of me." -- Markian Gooley

"The man who can be grasped and thrashed and torn into itty bitty pieces is not the true man." -- Rocco Caputo

"Teenagers generally are fine as long as you keep their mouths full." -- Josh Geller

"You can have visions and stuff. I saw richard nixon and felt hurricane winds against my naked body in bed." -- anon

"I swear, if my Asian bride starves to death in some warehouse, UPS will give me back every dollar I paid." -- The Onion

"Barbara and I in high school both made the decision that we would not eat anything we weren't willing to kill. She became a vegetarian and I bought a Mauser, but it was a similar decision." -- Scott Dorsey

"Now turn down those goddamn weepy violins. Some of us are trying to fuck." -- Kate McDonnell

"You can't count on people having any sense when testicles are involved." -- Diane Wilson

"You know, there's nothing that will improve the quality of code portability more than when developers come back to find a twelve-foot anaconda in their cube." -- Kludge Scott

"Meredith, that's not beef! That's VEAL!!!" -- Marq Singer

"Veal? Hell, he's a ZYGOTE!" -- Laura Zupko

"Though, you know, things like that are hard to keep in mind when one is consumed with the sheer joy of stabbing people." -- Greg Rapawy

"I'm maintaining a subversive cover of lackey-like subserviency to mask my true intention to dynamically alter the very framework of dominance-driven cultural hegemony. It's not really working, though." -- AjD

"Youth is resilient, much like a springy foam rubber floor mat that is stepped on by a lot of older people." -- D. Halgren, MD

"Hey, tall woman, I want to wear your crotch like a gas mask." -- rwx

"You look like a man who could use a fish taco." -- anon

"She has a little love for everybody, but not a lot for anybody." -- George Gershwin

"He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man. And he that is more than a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a man, I am not for him." -- Shakespeare

"Those are nice shoes. They'd look much nicer if I threw up on them... in my bedroom." -- Marq Singer

"The age part helps a bit. At least he'll have refined neuroses." -- Marq Singer

"Talking to her is like waiting for a 50 meg download on a 9600 baud modem." -- Jim Mullen

"Kissing is just pressing your lips to the sweet end of 66 feet of intestines." -- The Drew Carey Show

"At some point, however, the bags under one's eyes may become so voluptuous, that the only options one retains are to either tattoo the bags with the words "Gucci" or "Prada" and dye them to match one's shoes, or to undergo blepharoplasty." -- Susan Vaughn

"Not for the first time, I feel the full, jack-knifing force behind the coyly back-formed euphemism. Hung over: I am suspended, limp and limbless, as gruesome altars are erected in the temple of my body, as foul rituals are enacted." -- Paraic O'Donnell

"And this is New Orleans -- death doesn't carry the stigma here that it does elsewhere." -- pirich

"Honestly, there's nothing you can say that can't be conveyed in a well-placed bitchslap." -- Rocco Caputo

"Yes, ma'am, nothing livens up the Pentecost like a can of paint thinner and a paper bag." -- HWRNMNBSOL

"The way I figure it, if he wanted us to keep our hands to ourselves, he woulda made it a closed casket." -- Tongodeon

"That's why God put young guys on this earth -- so that we'd have a baseline against which to measure intelligent, responsible, decent behavior. Otherwise, how would we recognize it when we saw it?" -- Norm Wallis

"That's why I drink, so I'll be who they think I am." -- Voice of the Beehive

"He's hwarfing like a cat on peyote." -- HWRNMNBSOL

"Man, I wish I were a bloodthirsty pre-teen viewing these; I would'a peed my pants laughing ... I'm still laughing; I'm just not peeing." -- Zvi Gilbert

"If you love something, set it on fire. If it goes out, take it to the hospital and it's yours." -- Ken Baker

"I'm chaotic evil. Want to come back to my place and see my stamp collection?" -- The Edward

"My penis is not ornamental, it's functional." -- Zvi Gilbert

"When I look in the dictionary under 'control', there's a picture of where you were standing before you fell over." -- Dan Johnson

"I think there ought to be a *law* against those 20-pound-size Pampers. It can take a *week* or more to accumulate 20 pounds, by which time the kid's butt is sore and red...." -- deke

"When I find me a woman, I am going to point to Sirius, the brightest star in the winter sky, and say, 'Baby, there is your diamond. Let's get married at Circus Circus.'" -- Rollin C. Thomas

"Of course, Barbie has always been able to skip past the unpleasant parts like Thesis-Writing Barbie, to go straight to Astronaut Barbie." -- Ferret

"The courtship isn't over until the body has settled firmly on the ocean floor." -- HWRNMNBSOL

"I mean, I'm as big a weed whacker as anybody, but I don't spunk on the drapes." -- Tom Boutell

"You drive men wild with desire... Desire for a pot pie and a menthol cigarette." -- Skip

"I could stare at a BLT for hours! It just pleases my eyes so much. I'd starve to death, my dried up raisin eyes in emaciated sockets." -- Rocco Caputo

"This is the kind of story that makes me glad I don't have antlers." -- Dfan Schmidt

"Guns and booze don't mix. But guns and amphetamines can be a real hoot." -- brett

"If it weren't for my girlfriend, you'd be all over me." -- Ron Silva

"Actually, my penis is a quadruped." -- Sean Barrett

"Someone as powerful as Jesse Helms could get laid even if he was a quintuple amputee and had a harelip the size of a t-bone steak." -- AjD

"Oh, you know how it is... in order to be kind to people, one has to be a very, very good liar." -- Royal Wedding

"Well, I'm not really lined and craggy, I guess. But I do have a lot of sharp lines in my face that go away when I pull up on [it]. Plus, Percival Lowell called from the afterworld to ask if he could map my nutsack." -- D. Halgren, MD

"Hey, not everybody can lash a blimp to their wingwang, you know." -- Bryan O'Sullivan

"By all the dark gods of hell, has it all truly been replaced by folger's crystals?" -- rwx

"You know, when you're obsessed with someone really, really bad... and it makes you feel terrible every waking moment not to be near them-- and the nightmares suck too-- it only makes sense to kill them so you can get on with your life." -- Rocco Caputo

"And when the final trump sounds, Scott Dorsey will stand up and say 'It could do with a deal less treble. Who's mixing this?'" -- Nikolai Kingsley

"The nice thing about being a megalomaniac is standing on the balcony with a Microsoft flag wrapped around your shoulders as you scream "FLY, MY MONKEYS, FLY!"" -- Nikolai Kingsley

"When you're shiny, everyone wants to stand next to you." -- Callum Keith Rennie

"My next option grant round is in June... I'm going to see if they'll give me options in another company." -- anon

"Your stunning beauty obviates reason." -- AjD

"The upbuttfucked German languageconstruction selfentitles no whackedlingocriticism." -- HWRNMNBSOL

"If god hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of meat." -- ?

"I deserve better than this! I deserve respect! I deserve consideration! I deserve to be spit-polished by the Olympic weightlifting team! But since I can't have that, I'll settle for my Dignity." -- Widow Twanky

"Today we know that if there were any little green men on Mars, they'd be dead." -- cnn.com

"Library books...they're USED and fingered...they're going to be used and fingered again after you return them. They're like WHORES. Your own books are like your own HAREM. YOURS, YOURS, YOURS! See?" -- Markian Gooley

"I wish New York had one big collective head so I could fuck 'em all in the eye. The right one." -- HWRNMNBSOL

"The people you _want_ to overdose on drugs never would... You could put Motley Crue in a room with two tons of crack and they'd come out, ``Rock on! Yeah!''" -- Denis Leary

"I do not believe in foreigners of sorcery and space." -- babelfish

"Junk food is considered part of the vegetable food group, because it comes from a plant. A big chemical plant. In New Jersey." - Kludge Scott

"There's a difference between 'not shy' and 'stalking'." -- waider

"I'm a software guy at heart. Things that actually exist make me nervous." -- Matthew R. Sheehan

"There may not have been giants in those days. But there were very, very large dwarfs." -- Josh Geller

"At night they lurk about the tall barrier staring with curious wild eyes into the flat field, feeling cheated." -- Beryl Markham

"Now there's irony for you. You can't legally go out and buy pants unless you already have pants." -- AjD

"Even when I'm not, say, fucking someone, I just need ambience, to be happy." -- Kristen Ankiewicz

"I have good luck with girls, they just have bad luck with me." -- Ron Silva

"The word 'Genius' shouldn't be used in music. A Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Ron Silva

"I don't overreact, I just react more violently than most people." -- Orbit

"i canm type weithy my toees." -- cindy

"You're with your wife... respect her! It's not my fault you're married to somebody old and decrepit!" -- Melissa

"The Snap-On calendar... I like the way they have the girls holding the tools so they just hide their... special place." -- instructor from a sexual harassment awareness training course

"My ass-glory was TAINTED by the SMOOTHING NATURE of JPEGS." -- Waider

"Nature comes with poop and death and smell and sometimes very annoying noises, so it's really not that different from the city after all." -- Sourpuss

"It is a very bad idea to allow any animal or plant to become extinct before first determining whether it is essential in the life of an ecosystem, and whether it tastes good." -- Kludge Scott

"What you do is march right up to the counter and say, 'ALL RIGHT, YOU WIZENED PAPERY OLD CUNTS. I CAN WHUP Y'ALL WITH HALF A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS AND THE SNOT FROM MY NOSE, AND THERE AIN'T NO BUTT-PIRATE IN THE COUNTY WHO CAN GAINSAY MY PROWESS!' That makes 'em come running every time. I guarantee it." -- AjD

"I think I speak for all cunnilingus fans when I say: The hell with 'new car scent'. I want garlic pussy." -- rone

"It's so sad that I'm going to have to turn my boss's upper intestine into a less than fetching scarf." -- vampyr

"They can have my penis when they take it from my cold, dead hands." -- HWRNMNBSOL

"A film of death is not a snuff film. The death has to be for the purpose of filming it. That's unlikely at a wedding, when there are so many other good reasons to kill people." -- Eric Prestemon

"Oh no, my penis is special. It's stripey and has a horn that toots. You'll not find it anywhere else." -- Derrick Williams

"I realize that the fact that I'm just not very funny keeps you from appreciating my sense of humor." -- rwx

"You don't have to change the sheets if you do it standing up in the kitchen, pressed against the side of the refrigerator so you can reach in and get cold fried chicken without having to stop." -- Paul Echeverri

"I have pushed cars for men while they steered. In some sense this seems like a metaphor for my dealings with the male sex generally." -- Kate McDonnell

"Strontium-90, well, it's just like getting an X-ray from the inside-out." -- Kludge Scott

"I've got a freezer full of momsicles and I'm ready to party!" -- j.j

"Who cares what it means? This is rock and roll!" -- Jamie Hoover

"With super powers comes super responsibility, dammit!" -- The Strobe

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with a long, sticky tongue." -- D. Halgren, M.D.

"You catch more flies with shit than you do with vinegar." -- Caitlin Burke

"Every week I have to turn away representatives from major oil companies wanting the rights to my nose and forehead." -- catbear

"If I were oviparous I'd let you jizz up my egg sac." -- D. Halgren, MD

"This is why you ought to consort with sheep! They are free of splinters!" -- anon by request

"If you look into the abyss too long your eyes start to water." -- Tom Fawcett

"Italian hospitals are great. The doctor smoking in the emergency room will sign any prescription you ask for." -- Derrick Williams

"Laughter is the best medicine. Come over here, and let me laugh at you." -- Caitlin Burke

"Damn. I had a good joke about greaves, but it turns out I was confusing them with vambraces." -- Waider

"Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so." --William Shakespeare

"Burning up on re-entry has to be on the absolute top five COOL WAYS TO DIE." -- Kevin Hollenbeck

"You are my equal, and therefore my enemy." -- Brian Cash

"I'm not *the* bad guy, I'm *a* bad guy." -- Pete Vogel

"It's a comforting thought, knowing there is a bottom that, and for which, I have not reached." -- Kevin Hollenbeck

"Dedication is not measured in suffering-units." -- Sonia Lyris

"I can't chill out. I'm fried. I'd come out all cold and greasy." -- Diane Reamy

"I have a slight bias toward PCs because it's easier to watch porn and the games are better. But when I'm not shooting monsters or jerking it, I love my mac." -- Tongodeon

"Diabetes sucks, but not as much as having molten lead rain down on you from the sky." -- Lynn Gold

"Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and sucker-punch the Apostle Paul." -- Mike DeLong

"History is littered with stories of those who used their powers for evil carelessly and ended up being brought down. If you're going to be evil, put a lot of thought behind it." -- Sargent

"Today he drank from my bathwater. I thought it was the pinnacle of /romance until I discovered his water bowl was empty." -- Caitlin Burke

"Yes, in those days cars ran on REAL DEAD DINOSAURS! I had to hunt them with a spear, skin them, remove the bones, and cut the meat into chunks small enough to fit in the tank! Of course, they're all gone now." -- Matt Skala

"That is my great insight into life tonight: ducklings are cute. You may now bask in the glow of my philosophical majesty." -- Jeremy Frick

"They are all seekers, people looking for answers to life's interminable questions, like 'is there really such a thing as love' and 'does god walk among us'. But they avoid other issues, like 'do these clothes match' and 'do I smell bad'." -- Skipernicus

"The trouble with Machiavelli is that he's naive and idealistic, and has far too much faith in human nature." -- J.

"Anything that would make the world more like a Neal Stephenson novel is something we should think twice about before implementing." -- Matt Skala

"I believe faith is personal and subjunctive." -- M.L. Grant

"Better communication through... communicating?!" -- Diane C.

"What if there were no hypothetical situations?" -- Jailbait

"One of these things is not like the others -- and that's the one I wanna date! -- Spam

"I would imagine that the hardest part about being hip is living your whole life between quotation marks." -- Michael Whitney

"You know, there's nothing that irritates me more than painstakingly making time in my extremely busy social calendar to have dinner with someone, only to find out they are a fucking Republican." -- j.j

"Keep those penguins away from my boobies." -- Kathryn Hill

"He's got a mind like concrete: all mixed up and permanently set." -- tomcruiseisnuts.com

"I'm not an egomaniac. I'm a *realist*." -- merde

"I had not expected to see a fierce, graceful, merciless killing today, but it's not a bad way to start a morning." -- Michael Whitney

"I think I need a new interior design strategy that is not based upon creating fighting positions." -- drieux

"I've got 200GB of child pornography! I'll start viewing it unless this plane lands in Havana!" -- Tongodeon

"I, of course, do not so much rub my hands together as generate an invisible electromagnetic Glee Field strong enough to knock migrating birds out of the sky." -- Scott Lynch

"No one warned me about queefs -- I had to be peeled off the freakin' ceiling. 'Holy shit!' I thought, 'Why is that thing barking at me?!'" -- Dan Savage

"There's a few things that taste buds shouldn't have to come into contact with. The first thing is super-glue and the second thing is jizz." -- sockren

"Ed knew that he was a genius; no point in pretending otherwise, because false modesty pissed him the hell off." -- insaneidiot

"It was a cold and bright midafternoon in a city that doesn't know how to shut up." -- Rook the Librarian

"Any time we find a body in a trunk, we consider it extremely suspicious." -- Bill O'Rourke, Prior Lake (MN) Chief of Police

"It's hard to speak through a mouthful of imaginary mold." -- Mami-san

"If there was a creature that shit steaks, I'd be all about the coprophagy." -- palecur

"The guys from Abba are doublegay. They're so gay they're out the other side, having sex with only women for ironic reasons." -- Oliver

"One fascinating thing is that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history put together. In other words, if everyone wanted to play Hamlet at once, they couldn't, because there aren't enough skulls." -- Jonathan Safran Foer

"David Bowie sings by farting but his farts smell like magic roses." -- bc

"It's perfectly normal to have 75 cats in an apartment; it's when you keep the dead ones in the freezer that you're nuts." -- bc

"They'll be sorry when they're locked in a glass case embedded in the wall, and the mucus level just keeps rising!" -- Rocco Caputo

"Special Sauce is like Special Olympics, only without innocence." -- Mark. Gooley

"Oh for fuck's sake, just say it, people! PENIS! PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS!!!!!" -- the_ladytramp

"Vampires are the Jews of the monster kingdom: intellectual, traditional, dressed in black, vaguely eastern european, reluctant to accept converts, behaviorally constrained by confusing rules, and occasionally persecuted by Catholic priests." -- Soren Ragsdale

"The male sexual brain is like a single toggle switch, whereas the female sexual brain is like the cockpit of an F1 fighter jet. There are tons of dials and instruments, and there's sophisticated calibration going on." - Sai Gaddam

"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me." -- Abraham Lincoln

"It doesn't matter how educated and cultured you are. You can own the entire works of Shostakovich and still find farts amusing." -- David Loader

"The problem with nonsense is that it cannot even be assigned a truth-value." -- Tom Addis

"Groups who actually have a righteous cause are usually able to express it without using the word cunt hundreds of times." -- Zoe Quinn

"In my 20s I wore lucky underwear, but I no longer believe in luck or underwear." -- Randy Quaid

"I always wanted to be somebody. I guess I should have been more specific." -- Diane Reamy

"I know my passions are raised when someone politely asks me to touch a breast, squeeze exactly 4 times, no more, no less, at exactly .5 newtons for exactly 6 seconds." -- Claven Albatros


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