From merde@crl.com Tue Aug 13 23:38:36 PDT 1996
Article: 145506 of talk.bizarre
Path: nntp.crl.com!crl.crl.com!not-for-mail
From: merde@crl.com (Meredith Tanner)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: social rules for the excruciatingly shy
Date: 13 Aug 1996 23:21:18 -0700
Organization: CRL Network Services      (415) 705-6060  [Login: guest]
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1.  never look anyone in the eyes.  if you do, they might steal 
your soul.

2.  talk about yourself instead of asking questions; this 
reassures people that you are not nosy.

3.  reveal all of your most embarrassing secrets immediately
upon meeting people.  this achieves two aims: it demonstrates
that you're only human, which prevents them from becoming 
intimidated, and it weeds out anyone who would have become 
disenchanted by you in the early stages.

4.  look around the room.  rummage in your purse.  empty 
your pockets.  mutter to yourself.   fold and unfold bits
of paper and gaze at them thoughtfully.  people will think
you're having deep thoughts, when in reality you're just
trying to block out the panic.

5.  never ask people how they're doing or show actual concern 
of any kind, no matter how much you care about them.   this
is extremely important, because if they are anything like you,
the pressure of knowing somebody gives a shit about them could 
push them completely over the edge.

6.  never accept offers or invitations, just in case they're
only asking you to be polite. if anyone *really* loved you,
they'd use physical force to make their intentions clear.

7.  keep reminding yourself that you are completely rational, 
and that it is perfectly normal to worry that all of your 
friends secretly hate you.  they probably think you hate them 
too.  that might explain why they hate you so much.  after all, 
only you are crazy enough to care about people who hate you.

if you follow these rules faithfully, no one will ever know
how shy you are.  instead, they will think you're an arrogant,
self-absorbed, emotionally stunted jerk, which is much more
desirable.

m

i liked it so much, i bought the company!
-- 
"and if I die before I learn to speak
can money pay for all the days i lived awake but half asleep"
                                                  -- primitive radio gods